Last night I listened to Az Yet's "Last Night" in a way I had never heard the words before. They touched my heart, making tears escape my tired eyes. I could not sleep, I swore music would help. It just made me realize why I could not sleep. I love T in ways I told myself not to. You know the connection you feel with someone without the use of words, the whole kissing and everything falls to place? That's what this is (on my end). I found myself asking questions that I have to answer myself. He wants nothing, and I want everything...this isn't what love is supposed to be. Studies have shown that love triggers the same chemicals that are found in obsessive compulsive disorders. Maybe I'm just obsessed with the thought of wanting him. I could have anyone, someone worth it, and yet I put myself through this for him. I deserve so much, I know this...but par of me just wants to see this all work out in the end.
People say that I need to find someone else to focus on and then I'll get over him. Like I told my bestfriend, I could fuck the whole world and still want him. It's one thing to kiss anyone, hold them, start over, but to sit through it all for someone, that's deep. May seem cliche, but I want to forget how I feel and just remember what I deserve. This is tough...
Brian McKnight is just singing the right words on this long morning, "One last cry, before I leave it all behind.."
"...Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do...
Stop living a lie
I know I gotta be strong
'Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on....."
-T. Love
Well hello there. ; )
Here is where I'll update you about my life. I promise to keep it interesting; for every boring entry, I'll do my best to post at least two interesting ones^_^ And now, I'd like to welcome you to my world. Please, allow yourself to get comfortable, my thoughts may intrigue you.
-Tima Love
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Emotional yet intellectual
I have come to my senses. It's one thing to care about someone you love and another to have them play with your emotions. This past week I deleted T's number. No more random meet-ups that lead down a dead end. As I stated in one of my comm. theory journals:
"Love is not suppose to hurt. If i cannot seem to sit him down and talk about how I feel without him brushing it off, then so be. I have to admit my losses and move on. By moving forward I will create a front and back stage. Within I'll be hurt and my miss him, but I cannot let these feelings get the best of me. Truth is, if you know what you're worth: Don't settle for less!"
The dating scene isn't for me. I just want male friends, without benefits...okay maybe some, but not a lot. I want someone willing to take baby steps and catches me when I'm ready to pounce on them. Someone that is actually worth the wait.
As for finals, I just finished my first one not too long ago. 6 questions, short-answer format. We had a lot of information on the study guide not mentioned in class. How "odd" of her (note the sarcasm). I have a feeling this week will fly by, and I love it!
I've been thinking, go back to work for my brother at the design firm (+ gain more experience) or move-up to carside at work (more money for the holidays and next semester). Part of me really wants to quit Applebee's. It's become too routine, yea it, too, gives me experience in my field but I need motivation to stay there. Same thing every weekend: clock in, work the same routine and clock out. I'm not Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. This stuff can do harm to a person's health.
Any words of wisdom?
'til next time,
-T. Love
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Don't fall for me, believe me I am overrated...
Dear Love,
I know I hurt you, God knows all that I put you through. The pain I placed up your already-weak heart was not my intentions. I did not leave because I did not love you anymore, NO! I always loved you, even before I met you, you were the definition of the man I dreamed of. Whenever we kissed it did what words could never. After an argument all I ever wanted was to hold you. Every night I thought of you, even when you were lying next to me, you were always in mind. I'm reminded of everything daily. What we went through together, our promises of spending forever in each other's arms. I remember the way I could stare into your eyes for hours, or watch you sleep after long day at the office. I could never get enough of your humor. You always got mine, not a lot of people can. Whenever I'd start to think of nonsense, you kept me sane. I remember our random drive to MA. It was amazing, the drive back was beautiful. You held my hand and we talked about having a future together; taking long drives similar to that one, kids in the back knocked out. I really envisioned eternity with you. Crazy enough, after all that has happened, I continue to do so. I believe there's that one person who is your other half. I used to think it was someone else, but after I met you, after our lips touched and we bonded in ways I never thought existed, I knew. I knew the love we had was enough to feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, give warmth to the coldest hearts.
All this slowly vanished. It wasn't because either of us cheated, it was because we wanted two different worlds for each other. Two people who already had different mindsets had collided, made the perfect couple (strangers and friends alike noticed), and yet our mindsets are what keep us apart. You're too proud, yet you live on your impulses... me? Well, I settle. I give too much and expect little. Financially, physically, and emotionally you gave yourself to me. Physically, spirtually and emotionally I gave myself to you. When we parted ways, who was hurt? (physically, you showed it... emotionally, I hid it). I couldn't sit around waiting until you realized this could pass you up in a moment's notice. I learned that loving someone requires loving yourself too. I was too busy loving you to love myself fully. Today, I still love you. Am I in love with you anymore? As much as I hate to say it, no. Those last two months with you sucked those feelings away from me. I'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart, I am.
-Your Bunny
I know I hurt you, God knows all that I put you through. The pain I placed up your already-weak heart was not my intentions. I did not leave because I did not love you anymore, NO! I always loved you, even before I met you, you were the definition of the man I dreamed of. Whenever we kissed it did what words could never. After an argument all I ever wanted was to hold you. Every night I thought of you, even when you were lying next to me, you were always in mind. I'm reminded of everything daily. What we went through together, our promises of spending forever in each other's arms. I remember the way I could stare into your eyes for hours, or watch you sleep after long day at the office. I could never get enough of your humor. You always got mine, not a lot of people can. Whenever I'd start to think of nonsense, you kept me sane. I remember our random drive to MA. It was amazing, the drive back was beautiful. You held my hand and we talked about having a future together; taking long drives similar to that one, kids in the back knocked out. I really envisioned eternity with you. Crazy enough, after all that has happened, I continue to do so. I believe there's that one person who is your other half. I used to think it was someone else, but after I met you, after our lips touched and we bonded in ways I never thought existed, I knew. I knew the love we had was enough to feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, give warmth to the coldest hearts.
All this slowly vanished. It wasn't because either of us cheated, it was because we wanted two different worlds for each other. Two people who already had different mindsets had collided, made the perfect couple (strangers and friends alike noticed), and yet our mindsets are what keep us apart. You're too proud, yet you live on your impulses... me? Well, I settle. I give too much and expect little. Financially, physically, and emotionally you gave yourself to me. Physically, spirtually and emotionally I gave myself to you. When we parted ways, who was hurt? (physically, you showed it... emotionally, I hid it). I couldn't sit around waiting until you realized this could pass you up in a moment's notice. I learned that loving someone requires loving yourself too. I was too busy loving you to love myself fully. Today, I still love you. Am I in love with you anymore? As much as I hate to say it, no. Those last two months with you sucked those feelings away from me. I'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart, I am.
-Your Bunny
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)