We always want what's best...

We look for the good in others, but when they show us the opposite, we get upset. Maybe we have these standards no one can really meet? We want the best for others when we should be a little more concerned what's best for us. I don't advocate that we become selfish, no, never... What I'm trying to state is how sometimes we place categories on people. Once they step out of that bo, it's like hell. We become confused, not because they have placed it upon us. We do it to ourselves.
I'm in this position now. No one told me to think so highly of them; I did it because I felt they were worth it. :(
But this is life. How about love? How is my love life coming along? Non-existent. Everyday I think of J. I should be done with him, but I'm not yet. The keyword is "yet." I know there will be a day that I stop having these feelings towards him.
And what about a sense of humor? The other day, during my journalism class, we had guest speaker. When I first saw him, he seemed quiet and I was the first to joke with him. I figured he was a little tense. Once he started talking, he didn't shut it. It started upbeat, but then he became mellow. My mind went off and I started to think how he looked like Mr. Rogers on crack. I know, my mind is insane but hey, at least I entertained myself for the hr and a half he was presenting.

HUGS,
-T. Love

I rather not mention....

It goes without saying, we want what we cannot have and that most good men are in a relationship, married or so screwed up from the past it makes it hard to find someone serious these days.
There's about two weeks left of school. Am I stressing? Not at all. I've become nonchalant; nothing really gets to me anymore. I feel like I've grown numb. Cuban sent me a text this morning; he doesn't get how uninterested I am.
I think I need someone to shake me. I'm physically in school but my mind is still sleeping. *yawn*
I've run out of things to post, 'til next time.

Hugs!
-T. Love

Life

It's a rainy Sunday, and of course I am in love with it! For the past several months, I have become a little more patient with things. I used to be very stubborn; if I wanted something it needed to be done ASAP, not later on or tomorrow.
I remember (and yes I will use a J and I example--lol, sorry if I bored you with the topic) how impatient I was with him in the beginning. Having distance in a relationship could be stressful, but I think it helped me a lot. You would think, "Distance, ugh, useless!" However, to me, being from two different states (NJ and NY) we would do whatever it was we needed to do for the week and were able to appreciate the time we spent together on the weekends. I miss that; I had it with T but his emotions were tough to deal with.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday; we discussed how sometimes you need to feel someone next to you, the body heat of someone. This is something I always thought about but I never knew how to put into words what it was that I missed. I don't miss being in a relationship (I'm fine without the headaches). What I miss is someone I could trust fully. I have friends I can turn to at my toughest times, but it's not the same. Truthfully, what I want is someone who starts off as a friend and slowly becomes something more. I thought I found that with the Brazilian, but (I think I stated it in another blog) he was still "getting with" his ex. He contacted me last week, and almost everyday he texts me. I still treat him as a friend, nothing more. He wanted to meet up, but I saw no point, my feelings for him have seethed.
As for the Cuban, he said he wants to take things slow. Those are his words, his actions are completely different. Not to be annoying or anything of the like but if a guy says he wants to get to know you, how is it that he won't get to know your friends as well. Let alone have you meet his after talking for 5 months? He says I could talk to him about everything. He's right, I can. The thing is, it doesn't feel like it's going anymore. When I told him how I felt, he didn't change. It's still the same; now when he offers to hang out, I make sure I'm always busy. Calls me babe (I cannot stand that, we're NOT together!), sends me kisses through text, says he misses me..etc. I respond one word answers.
T has once again gone missing (expect an update on him in two months, as usual)
And once again, I'm back at feeling nothing for anyone.

Kisses,
T. Love

I did what I didn't want to... I gave up.

These past two months have been interesting. I've spoken to both J and T. T is the same episode. J, now this was interesting.
March 27th I remember the date because it's a friend's birthday. It landed on Saturday. I had contacted him via Facebook Monday afternoon and told him how I missed him, etc.
It went back and forth and at some point I asked him how he felt about me. Reading the following lines made me reminisce: " I don't allow myself to feel anything for you anymore." It was followed with how I hurt him when I left. He was right, I hurt him but I didn't leave out of selfishness. (Refer to previous blogs)
My phone rang that Saturday night and I looked at the number. 646... Area code 646?! Who would call me from NY? I ignored it, let the phone continue to ring. I didn't think he would call, but he did. We spoke, and he knew my heart was pounding like crazy and that I had the biggest smile across my face. He knew all this because he had that effect on me since day one.
The conversation started great. We joked about anything and everything, as usual. It felt like the year that separated us had vanished. I was getting ready for my night with DKC, a group of friends I have been spending most of my weekends with. He suggested I went to NY to hang out with him. My smile began to fade. I knew what he wanted; he knew I would drop friends for him in a second... but little did he know that was me last year. I have changed, from the girl he once knew.
Once he started to ask personal questions, I knew his jealousy would come to play. "Who have you dated?" "Did you date JV, J?" The interrogation didn't stop until I cut him off. He brought up the past, to be exact: two years ago, April when we broke up for the first time. Something quite unnecessary. To make this story short, he bit himself in the ass when he asked a question he had no right to know. Of course I answered his ridiculous question, but I let him know that what happened between the time we were apart had nothing to do with him, nor did whatever he had done concern me.
We argued that night, even while I was at Mabe's house. I drank excessively and made a fool of myself. I apologized to those who were there. PoOh Bear was the only one who understood. She knows how much I let J get to me, and to some degree, still do.
I love him, but I cannot allow myself to get hurt again.He expected me to drop my male friends. He knows I could never do that again, and now he wants nothing to do with me. I haven't contacted him since.
As for T, last weekend he suggested we become friends. I should have know what "friends" entailed. We met up twice and that was it. He seemed willing to actually work things out, but then again... there's a reason we aren't together anymore. I haven't contacted him since Saturday, I rather not. I'm starting to truly let go of the bs in my life. The thing is, I'll let it go, and the minute it wants to come back, I let it. Not this time around.
Cuban: This guy, I've given up on. Great guy, another one who has been hurt by an ex. We've been talking for 5 months.... I see no sign of us getting serious. It's not that I want a relationship, nor do I need one. But honestly, I would like a friendship that develops into something along the way. I don't open up to a lot of people. The first and last person I gave my heart fully to was J and look where it's left me.
I have faith I'll find him, if he's not already in my life ;)

With love,
Tima