I did what I didn't want to... I gave up.

These past two months have been interesting. I've spoken to both J and T. T is the same episode. J, now this was interesting.
March 27th I remember the date because it's a friend's birthday. It landed on Saturday. I had contacted him via Facebook Monday afternoon and told him how I missed him, etc.
It went back and forth and at some point I asked him how he felt about me. Reading the following lines made me reminisce: " I don't allow myself to feel anything for you anymore." It was followed with how I hurt him when I left. He was right, I hurt him but I didn't leave out of selfishness. (Refer to previous blogs)
My phone rang that Saturday night and I looked at the number. 646... Area code 646?! Who would call me from NY? I ignored it, let the phone continue to ring. I didn't think he would call, but he did. We spoke, and he knew my heart was pounding like crazy and that I had the biggest smile across my face. He knew all this because he had that effect on me since day one.
The conversation started great. We joked about anything and everything, as usual. It felt like the year that separated us had vanished. I was getting ready for my night with DKC, a group of friends I have been spending most of my weekends with. He suggested I went to NY to hang out with him. My smile began to fade. I knew what he wanted; he knew I would drop friends for him in a second... but little did he know that was me last year. I have changed, from the girl he once knew.
Once he started to ask personal questions, I knew his jealousy would come to play. "Who have you dated?" "Did you date JV, J?" The interrogation didn't stop until I cut him off. He brought up the past, to be exact: two years ago, April when we broke up for the first time. Something quite unnecessary. To make this story short, he bit himself in the ass when he asked a question he had no right to know. Of course I answered his ridiculous question, but I let him know that what happened between the time we were apart had nothing to do with him, nor did whatever he had done concern me.
We argued that night, even while I was at Mabe's house. I drank excessively and made a fool of myself. I apologized to those who were there. PoOh Bear was the only one who understood. She knows how much I let J get to me, and to some degree, still do.
I love him, but I cannot allow myself to get hurt again.He expected me to drop my male friends. He knows I could never do that again, and now he wants nothing to do with me. I haven't contacted him since.
As for T, last weekend he suggested we become friends. I should have know what "friends" entailed. We met up twice and that was it. He seemed willing to actually work things out, but then again... there's a reason we aren't together anymore. I haven't contacted him since Saturday, I rather not. I'm starting to truly let go of the bs in my life. The thing is, I'll let it go, and the minute it wants to come back, I let it. Not this time around.
Cuban: This guy, I've given up on. Great guy, another one who has been hurt by an ex. We've been talking for 5 months.... I see no sign of us getting serious. It's not that I want a relationship, nor do I need one. But honestly, I would like a friendship that develops into something along the way. I don't open up to a lot of people. The first and last person I gave my heart fully to was J and look where it's left me.
I have faith I'll find him, if he's not already in my life ;)

With love,
Tima