"Let's get it in!"

Call me crazy but when things go wrong I tend to keep a smile no matter what. If I feel like crap, seconds later I could be laughing. Like my cousin says whenever I'm upset about something and about to cry: "Here we go, with your two-minute cries." (lol) I can't help it. Maybe tears are an indication of weakness for me. Who knows!

Update on my statuses yesterday: He apologized, and I accepted it. ^_^

Let's discuss what happened first. Saturday night, after work, I texted T. I wanted to see him, even for two seconds (like I stated in a previous post, his kiss is irresistible). He tells me he's drinking and I said forget it. We made plans to see each other the following day. They did not work out because he decides to head over to NY. I was upset and the following day (Monday, yesterday) he took off. The minute he woke up he texted me asking if I was in school. (Luckily it was Monday and I have a huge gap between classes--12:15-5:30 ^_^) I told him I'd see him then.

I know what we have between us, actually we both know. It isn't deep, it's superficial (like Steph said). It stays at the surface because he's an image of J, the person I fell in love with under that moonlit sky, July 3rd, 2007. <3

All right, back to the story. I saw him, gave him his surprise and that was that... after everything, we got into a discussion how he doesn't like expressing himself. (That's what really bugs me!) I wish he was open, I want to get him to open up to others (not me, I know how he feels about me). Whatever it was that happened with the three year girl has made him shut off his emotions. I understand why he would want to keep it private, but he'll never be able to love again if he holds onto it. The past is the past (GEE, SHOULDN'T I TAKE MY OWN ADVICE!)
I feel that we could help each other forget. I hope that one day, when we go our seperate ways, he could open his heart to someone. Be able to love someone fully.
I was so upset the last few days that I took it out on him yesterday. I've been missing J so much the last two weeks that having "closed-off" T be somewhat a replacement hasn't been a success. I got J to open his heart to me when we were dating, that's the thing... I walked away from T before I got the chance to help him open up. Now as the whatever you want to call this, he could careless what I tell him.
Honestly, I don't remember my exact words to him but I do remember asking him to tell me how he felt about me, (not whether or not he liked me, but if he even cared about me). He couldn't answer that, he said he doesn't work well with expressing himself. It was funny because when I was getting my things to go, he just laid on his bed doing whatever with his phone. The TV was playing an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where the husband was afraid to tell the wife how he felt about her. He could only say it in front of the kids... I thought that was such a coincidence, but whatever, I didn't mention anything because I know he'd act like nothing.

At the door, he actually looked me in the eye, he couldn't say anything. He was not in the mood to argue, I saw it in his face. I wanted to cry because if it was J, he would stop me, hold me and say "Babe, I love you" or "Babe, you're being crazy, you know how I feel about you!" That's what I miss, someone who is afraid to see me leave. I asked T before I walked out "You would be fine with me walking out and never seeing me again?" He said "Yea" but his face seemed to say something else. I don't know, I wish he was just honest. His words are always this and that, never this OR that.

Last night I apologized for the whole thing. I started it, I know he was tired from work. He then apologized for being a prick. <3 That made me smile. I know we don't have the typical, ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend friendship, but we have an understanding that there was something, there IS something that keeps us there. (Not on some, "meant to be" thing, no...never!) It's just an understanding that we need each other to get passed this period in our lives.

Most people think I'm stupid for being there for him despite the times he's messed up. I cannot lie, it's what keeps me interested. It's not that I'm interested in just the physical, I care about him also. I want to see him become the person I know he's capable of being.

(EXPLORE, EMBRACE & ENJOY!)
-T. Love