Separate ways...

This past weekend was tough. Saturday night I went out with the bestfriend and it was pretty chill. I drank a bit and sobered up to take care of her crazyass lol. I contacted J. It was pointless, he told me exactly what he said last time. He wants nothing to do with me, I "hurt him." I didn't hold back and explained to him why i had to leave. I could not wait around until HE decided to change for the person he "loved"--me. Love doesn't need to ask for change, the person should want to change. I do not recall if I stated it in a previous blog (forgive me if I have), but he didn't change his ways until I was set on leaving and never coming back. I love him, not as much as I used to. I just miss him as the person he used to be with me. The way he would baby me, even when I said I hated it... he taught me to appreciate a man buying me things, showed me the real side of New York. Kissed me on the forhead and meant it. To this day, I don't let anyone else do it. It's too personal, and when others do it, it's like giving me a false sense of "I care about you"... unless the guy is worth my time, then maybe.

Okay, so the whole "promise to myself" was broken last Monday with T. After that day, with the whole fight, things were shady (when aren't they wih him). Over the weekend, I put two-and-two together. I figured he was getting to know someone new because he'd been taking random trips to NY (I knew the minute he got his car back he'd change). There it was, the proof I needed, but I put it to the back of my mind. (REPRESSED THE SHIT OUT OF IT!) We were going to meet up Saturday after my drinking session with the crew. When I got to Julie's house, I had three texts from him. One was about me going, asking if I was on my way, the other about him being home already and the last, which pissed the shit out of me, was "Our lil thing is over"... I asked him to clarify it because it made no sense. How did it go from talking about how we're going to meet up to-----it's over. WTF?! And of course, knowing how "well" he communicates I was still left in the dark. He's obviously talking to someone else. His only explanation was, "It's better this way"................

Oh well, enough about T, so then there's MB, this guy I've known for a while now, nothing too serious. We're just friends. He just got out of a relationship. Poor guy, same thing happened, she left for someone else. I really question the value of relationships these days. Honestly, people cheat, walk away, or just play mind games. This is why I wish I lived in the 1950's. Men treated women with respect (of course it does have to do with women not treating themselves with respect too!) However, I just hate seeing relationships go downhill. It hurts; I love a couple who keeps their relationship alive! Come up with different ways to keep the bedroom steamy, talk about anything and everything, please each other just by doing things the two love (even if one isn't a big fan and the other's a fanatic). That's important in a relationship.

Many people forget the value of a kiss, a hug, a touch, of sex! They look at it as just pleasure. YES, it is pleasing, but there's more behind it. A deeper meaning with someone you feel a connection. I've had people tell me they feel a connection to me and honestly, I've only felt it with three people: J, JV, and T. Don't get me wrong, I've had the whole connection with someone that involves being comfortable with someone without really knowing them, but that's it. I have a feeling people just use it as an excuse to get in my pants... doesn't work!

Deep down, what I want is someone willing to get to know me. Accepts me, sees the beauty life has to offer, isn't so insecure that he believes all my male friends are trying to screw me. Somenone random, crazy, passionate, ambitious as I am, and lastly: a good guy with an edgy tone. ^_^ God, he's out there, bring him in one piece (lol).

----Speaking of guys, I forgot to mention this new guy. We'll call him B, since every other guy just has an initial lol. He's sweet, well so far. It was so random, I had just seen him at my job this past weekend. I was driving to school, caught him downtown and from there we spent most of the day together. I found it sweet that he actually came to school with me. We bugged out a lot, it was cute. He showed me some tricks about driving which reminded me of J, :'( All in all it was a great night.

This isn't healthy, I need to stop comparing everyone to him. J's the past, I should look into the future... This week marks a new beginning in the love life. Let's go!

(Sorry about not updating sooner)^_^

-T. Love