Last night I listened to Az Yet's "Last Night" in a way I had never heard the words before. They touched my heart, making tears escape my tired eyes. I could not sleep, I swore music would help. It just made me realize why I could not sleep. I love T in ways I told myself not to. You know the connection you feel with someone without the use of words, the whole kissing and everything falls to place? That's what this is (on my end). I found myself asking questions that I have to answer myself. He wants nothing, and I want everything...this isn't what love is supposed to be. Studies have shown that love triggers the same chemicals that are found in obsessive compulsive disorders. Maybe I'm just obsessed with the thought of wanting him. I could have anyone, someone worth it, and yet I put myself through this for him. I deserve so much, I know this...but par of me just wants to see this all work out in the end.
People say that I need to find someone else to focus on and then I'll get over him. Like I told my bestfriend, I could fuck the whole world and still want him. It's one thing to kiss anyone, hold them, start over, but to sit through it all for someone, that's deep. May seem cliche, but I want to forget how I feel and just remember what I deserve. This is tough...
Brian McKnight is just singing the right words on this long morning, "One last cry, before I leave it all behind.."
"...Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do...
Stop living a lie
I know I gotta be strong
'Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on....."
-T. Love
Well hello there. ; )
Here is where I'll update you about my life. I promise to keep it interesting; for every boring entry, I'll do my best to post at least two interesting ones^_^ And now, I'd like to welcome you to my world. Please, allow yourself to get comfortable, my thoughts may intrigue you.
-Tima Love
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Emotional yet intellectual
I have come to my senses. It's one thing to care about someone you love and another to have them play with your emotions. This past week I deleted T's number. No more random meet-ups that lead down a dead end. As I stated in one of my comm. theory journals:
"Love is not suppose to hurt. If i cannot seem to sit him down and talk about how I feel without him brushing it off, then so be. I have to admit my losses and move on. By moving forward I will create a front and back stage. Within I'll be hurt and my miss him, but I cannot let these feelings get the best of me. Truth is, if you know what you're worth: Don't settle for less!"
The dating scene isn't for me. I just want male friends, without benefits...okay maybe some, but not a lot. I want someone willing to take baby steps and catches me when I'm ready to pounce on them. Someone that is actually worth the wait.
As for finals, I just finished my first one not too long ago. 6 questions, short-answer format. We had a lot of information on the study guide not mentioned in class. How "odd" of her (note the sarcasm). I have a feeling this week will fly by, and I love it!
I've been thinking, go back to work for my brother at the design firm (+ gain more experience) or move-up to carside at work (more money for the holidays and next semester). Part of me really wants to quit Applebee's. It's become too routine, yea it, too, gives me experience in my field but I need motivation to stay there. Same thing every weekend: clock in, work the same routine and clock out. I'm not Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. This stuff can do harm to a person's health.
Any words of wisdom?
'til next time,
-T. Love
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Don't fall for me, believe me I am overrated...
Dear Love,
I know I hurt you, God knows all that I put you through. The pain I placed up your already-weak heart was not my intentions. I did not leave because I did not love you anymore, NO! I always loved you, even before I met you, you were the definition of the man I dreamed of. Whenever we kissed it did what words could never. After an argument all I ever wanted was to hold you. Every night I thought of you, even when you were lying next to me, you were always in mind. I'm reminded of everything daily. What we went through together, our promises of spending forever in each other's arms. I remember the way I could stare into your eyes for hours, or watch you sleep after long day at the office. I could never get enough of your humor. You always got mine, not a lot of people can. Whenever I'd start to think of nonsense, you kept me sane. I remember our random drive to MA. It was amazing, the drive back was beautiful. You held my hand and we talked about having a future together; taking long drives similar to that one, kids in the back knocked out. I really envisioned eternity with you. Crazy enough, after all that has happened, I continue to do so. I believe there's that one person who is your other half. I used to think it was someone else, but after I met you, after our lips touched and we bonded in ways I never thought existed, I knew. I knew the love we had was enough to feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, give warmth to the coldest hearts.
All this slowly vanished. It wasn't because either of us cheated, it was because we wanted two different worlds for each other. Two people who already had different mindsets had collided, made the perfect couple (strangers and friends alike noticed), and yet our mindsets are what keep us apart. You're too proud, yet you live on your impulses... me? Well, I settle. I give too much and expect little. Financially, physically, and emotionally you gave yourself to me. Physically, spirtually and emotionally I gave myself to you. When we parted ways, who was hurt? (physically, you showed it... emotionally, I hid it). I couldn't sit around waiting until you realized this could pass you up in a moment's notice. I learned that loving someone requires loving yourself too. I was too busy loving you to love myself fully. Today, I still love you. Am I in love with you anymore? As much as I hate to say it, no. Those last two months with you sucked those feelings away from me. I'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart, I am.
-Your Bunny
I know I hurt you, God knows all that I put you through. The pain I placed up your already-weak heart was not my intentions. I did not leave because I did not love you anymore, NO! I always loved you, even before I met you, you were the definition of the man I dreamed of. Whenever we kissed it did what words could never. After an argument all I ever wanted was to hold you. Every night I thought of you, even when you were lying next to me, you were always in mind. I'm reminded of everything daily. What we went through together, our promises of spending forever in each other's arms. I remember the way I could stare into your eyes for hours, or watch you sleep after long day at the office. I could never get enough of your humor. You always got mine, not a lot of people can. Whenever I'd start to think of nonsense, you kept me sane. I remember our random drive to MA. It was amazing, the drive back was beautiful. You held my hand and we talked about having a future together; taking long drives similar to that one, kids in the back knocked out. I really envisioned eternity with you. Crazy enough, after all that has happened, I continue to do so. I believe there's that one person who is your other half. I used to think it was someone else, but after I met you, after our lips touched and we bonded in ways I never thought existed, I knew. I knew the love we had was enough to feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, give warmth to the coldest hearts.
All this slowly vanished. It wasn't because either of us cheated, it was because we wanted two different worlds for each other. Two people who already had different mindsets had collided, made the perfect couple (strangers and friends alike noticed), and yet our mindsets are what keep us apart. You're too proud, yet you live on your impulses... me? Well, I settle. I give too much and expect little. Financially, physically, and emotionally you gave yourself to me. Physically, spirtually and emotionally I gave myself to you. When we parted ways, who was hurt? (physically, you showed it... emotionally, I hid it). I couldn't sit around waiting until you realized this could pass you up in a moment's notice. I learned that loving someone requires loving yourself too. I was too busy loving you to love myself fully. Today, I still love you. Am I in love with you anymore? As much as I hate to say it, no. Those last two months with you sucked those feelings away from me. I'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart, I am.
-Your Bunny
Monday, November 30, 2009
With finals around the corner...
With finals starting next week, I find it quite ridiculous how professors decide to assign projects and papers last minute. As if the material we need to study in order to take these exams isn't enough. While most people will be cramming the night before, I will have to use this week wisely. Today I have a project to work on, due the 2nd, but needs to be submitted by tomorrow. Interesting, no? My research paper is due next Tuesday. I have two pages down, I need three more. Yes, I have stuck to the single-spaced APA style I stated in a past entry. It's suppose to be 5 pages long. So far, there's a lot to cover on advertising; the textbook for my class has great information on this topic so I have no excuses. ^_^
About the dating scene, ready? I've been dating this guy, I'd use his first name initial like everyone else but I know too many A's, and they might think it's about them. We'll use his nationality, Cuban. I don't know many Cubans so we're good. Cuban's a sweetheart, since the first date we've been getting along pretty well. The only issue has been the many times he contacts me throughout the day. Yes, there are 24-hours in a day and much can happen. However, I don't want a constant update of your life. We're not together, who even knows if we will be at this rate.
You know what's funny, with J I did not mind talking most of the day, then again, he lives in NY- we didn't get to see each other as often as we wished. With T, that was different, we're about 5-minutes away from each other, we did update each other about our day, but I never felt suffocated. T did whatever he had to do during the day and so did I. There was an understanding, he works from so-to-so and I went to school and worked from so-to-so. We saw each other when we could, weekends again, and that was that. Cuban, wants to see each other every night. Honestly, I get tired of people, things, and places quickly. I love spontaneity! Don't contact me all day, make me WANT to hear from you. Let me look for you, eventually I will.
If you follow my blogs you're probably left in the air about MB and B. Well, B's still around, MB, however, I had to stop talking to him as "getting to know him"... First time we hung out, rather than just seeinf each other and saying "Hi", he had his puppy, cute little thing. He seemed too aggressive with him, I mean, yea, he's a pit but come on!...It made me wonder how he would treat me, or how he treats his mother nonetheless. I haven't really contacted him since. Oh well, I'm guessing he got the message because I have not heard from him either.
(Off to class!)
-T. Love
About the dating scene, ready? I've been dating this guy, I'd use his first name initial like everyone else but I know too many A's, and they might think it's about them. We'll use his nationality, Cuban. I don't know many Cubans so we're good. Cuban's a sweetheart, since the first date we've been getting along pretty well. The only issue has been the many times he contacts me throughout the day. Yes, there are 24-hours in a day and much can happen. However, I don't want a constant update of your life. We're not together, who even knows if we will be at this rate.
You know what's funny, with J I did not mind talking most of the day, then again, he lives in NY- we didn't get to see each other as often as we wished. With T, that was different, we're about 5-minutes away from each other, we did update each other about our day, but I never felt suffocated. T did whatever he had to do during the day and so did I. There was an understanding, he works from so-to-so and I went to school and worked from so-to-so. We saw each other when we could, weekends again, and that was that. Cuban, wants to see each other every night. Honestly, I get tired of people, things, and places quickly. I love spontaneity! Don't contact me all day, make me WANT to hear from you. Let me look for you, eventually I will.
If you follow my blogs you're probably left in the air about MB and B. Well, B's still around, MB, however, I had to stop talking to him as "getting to know him"... First time we hung out, rather than just seeinf each other and saying "Hi", he had his puppy, cute little thing. He seemed too aggressive with him, I mean, yea, he's a pit but come on!...It made me wonder how he would treat me, or how he treats his mother nonetheless. I haven't really contacted him since. Oh well, I'm guessing he got the message because I have not heard from him either.
(Off to class!)
-T. Love
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Emotions...
It has been a while since my last update. I am very sorry. I want to discuss a topic many either feel uncomfortable talking about or too comfortable:SEX. That's right, let's discuss "doing it" as many immature kids would consider it to be. I've come to realize how many people don't know the first thing about it. They think, "in and out, that's how it goes." Well, my friends, no. There are emotions involved. Mae West said it right, "Sex is emotion in motion." An amazing line from a very sexual old time actress (people thought Marilyn Monroe was controversial with her outfits and shy-like smile, look up West, you'd be surprised and might praise her instead).
Sex is what people tend to use as a stress-reliever. Yes, this can work for such, however, depends on the person's mood (Oh, and YES, mood is very much important when it comes to sex). How a person feels reflects in their actions, same as in sex. I have had my share of horrible experiences (DO NOT BELIEVE THE WHOLE "This race is good." Please, save yourself the bad night).
I cannot stress enough how it only takes one time to realize if a second is worth it. Again, please: if the first time was not worth it for you or the other person, there will and SHOULDN'T be a need for a second (then people question why I keep going back to T, it's obvious...besides that, I care about the selfish bastard).
Truth is, I can sit for hours stroking his head to make him feel rested. I know he works long hours, and even puts in overtime. That's why I cater to his needs when we're together. Without the right intentions, a kiss, a simple touch, or massage means nothing. That, my friends, is where people mess up. People will do things because they THINK it feels good, not because they KNOW it does. That was what J taught me; do what you know makes the other person feel right. Ask yourself, If you were to be touched here, how would you feel?
I've been told that I am intune with my sexuality. Honestly, it's not just that. It has to do with your comfort level with yourself. How you expect others to react to you, or how would you like to be treated. You have that control over the person you're having relations with. You may not know how to use it appropriately, but there's a sense of control on both ends.
Aside from what was mentioned previously, I'd like to share a personal experience. Without using sex, I've been able to just kiss someone and the satisfaction is better than having sex. Honestly, it sounds like a joke but that is how you know how good it'll be without doing it. A kiss can symbolize a lot, as Aventura's song says: "Un beso significa amsistad, sexo, y amor en cual quier parte del mundo no importa la religion..." There has only been two people who have been able to kiss me and I am satisfied with just kissing them; J and T (probably what made me fall in love instantly). Speaking of T, we hung out yesterday. My friend D asked if I mentioned anything about feelings to him. I told her I didn't need to. With our 5minute session of kissing the minute I saw him, I did not need words. His lips did all the talking without a sound, just motion. Those that know our situation say to walk away, I'm hurting myself. Yes, I am hurting myself but I know why he acts the way he does from time to time. He's been hurt, that I know, whatever it was made him not believe in love. I know there's a man in him willing to love and probably loves the shit out of me but is too scared to admit it anymore. I've stated the following in a previous blog, and I mean these words: even if we don't get back together and he finds someone else, I want him to be able to trust someone with his heart. I cannot be anymore selfless about this. Some will call me an idiot for being the way I am with him but I would rather show that I care than do what everyone does when shit gets tough. I don't walk away because things aren't what they were before. Unless he disrespects me or my family, like J did, I will always be here. POINT BLANK!
Enough said for today.
-T. Love
Sex is what people tend to use as a stress-reliever. Yes, this can work for such, however, depends on the person's mood (Oh, and YES, mood is very much important when it comes to sex). How a person feels reflects in their actions, same as in sex. I have had my share of horrible experiences (DO NOT BELIEVE THE WHOLE "This race is good." Please, save yourself the bad night).
I cannot stress enough how it only takes one time to realize if a second is worth it. Again, please: if the first time was not worth it for you or the other person, there will and SHOULDN'T be a need for a second (then people question why I keep going back to T, it's obvious...besides that, I care about the selfish bastard).
Truth is, I can sit for hours stroking his head to make him feel rested. I know he works long hours, and even puts in overtime. That's why I cater to his needs when we're together. Without the right intentions, a kiss, a simple touch, or massage means nothing. That, my friends, is where people mess up. People will do things because they THINK it feels good, not because they KNOW it does. That was what J taught me; do what you know makes the other person feel right. Ask yourself, If you were to be touched here, how would you feel?
I've been told that I am intune with my sexuality. Honestly, it's not just that. It has to do with your comfort level with yourself. How you expect others to react to you, or how would you like to be treated. You have that control over the person you're having relations with. You may not know how to use it appropriately, but there's a sense of control on both ends.
Aside from what was mentioned previously, I'd like to share a personal experience. Without using sex, I've been able to just kiss someone and the satisfaction is better than having sex. Honestly, it sounds like a joke but that is how you know how good it'll be without doing it. A kiss can symbolize a lot, as Aventura's song says: "Un beso significa amsistad, sexo, y amor en cual quier parte del mundo no importa la religion..." There has only been two people who have been able to kiss me and I am satisfied with just kissing them; J and T (probably what made me fall in love instantly). Speaking of T, we hung out yesterday. My friend D asked if I mentioned anything about feelings to him. I told her I didn't need to. With our 5minute session of kissing the minute I saw him, I did not need words. His lips did all the talking without a sound, just motion. Those that know our situation say to walk away, I'm hurting myself. Yes, I am hurting myself but I know why he acts the way he does from time to time. He's been hurt, that I know, whatever it was made him not believe in love. I know there's a man in him willing to love and probably loves the shit out of me but is too scared to admit it anymore. I've stated the following in a previous blog, and I mean these words: even if we don't get back together and he finds someone else, I want him to be able to trust someone with his heart. I cannot be anymore selfless about this. Some will call me an idiot for being the way I am with him but I would rather show that I care than do what everyone does when shit gets tough. I don't walk away because things aren't what they were before. Unless he disrespects me or my family, like J did, I will always be here. POINT BLANK!
Enough said for today.
-T. Love
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I think too much...
I could not help but smile at this morning's music selection. Beastie Boys followed by Smashing Pumpkins. Lord, you keep blessing my everyday, THANK YOU! ^_^
I woke up in the best mood, why you ask? Nothing specific. I'm just glad to be alive and be able to share my everyday with those I encounter.
Honestly, I think my attitude also ties into the music I listened to this morning. There's something about a song with lyrics that tie into your life. I've been addicted to this song they continuously play on the radio-- Owl City's "Fireflies". The band sounds exactly like Death Cab for Cutie/ Mae, they have similar styles. That could be what drew me in. The song is relaxing. It's the kind of song you don't want to look up to listen to. It has to just play on the radio or be played by someone else for you to enjoy it (well, at least that's how I feel with certain songs). If I look that song up and play it, there's no surprise. This is probably why I have been postponing the whole buying an iPod for my car. (I need to do this soon, but that's before signing up to the gym)----I have a list of things I want to do in my head and the things I NEED to do are written down.
More than anything in life, I want to get my life on track; I'm working on it daily. Praying for strength in all that I do and maintaining a smile each step of the way. I love my life but I want to fall in love with it by working at bettering myself. I know I have the potential to make it in whatever I set my mind to (we all do, JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!). Life is like a relationship, and a relationship like life. Treat it right and you get the best in return. (Even when you give someone your best in a relationship and they don't return the love, just abuse...there's a part of them that feels terrible: WE'RE ALL HUMANS.) Trust me, I saw this in T when we got into our last fight.
Speaking of T, we have not contacted each other at all, and quite frankly, this isn't effecting me much. At first, I felt awkward, but then I realized there's so much out there, and in that batch, there's the person made for me.
I got into a conversation with my best friend and another friend, Simone... The two of them told me they wanted a man. I see what they're saying but, I don't want or need one at this point in my life. I'm too focused. Unless the guy is as focused as I am, please, God, point him in the other direction. Most people want a relationship just to have one. I just want someone willing to walk with me, side by side, even as a friend. Someone who walks in when everyone walks out (like those tear-jerking Hallmark cards). I like being around people who inspire me to be the person I aspire to become. "My weakness is," as stated by Papa Roach, "I care too much." I'll place other's needs before my own (especially when I have more than enough time to do something). I'd drop whatever I'm doing if someone asked me "Can you do such-and-such?" This is somethig I need to work on. I remember one of my close friends, Allie, back in highschool telling me "You know what your problem is you're not selfish!" I didn't get how that was a problem back then, even with the cheating boyfriend at the time. I look at life like an open book, waiting for someone to explore it. Even if the words are unfamiliar, I'd do my best with the context clues and make some sense of them.---maybe I threw you off with that metaphor (so, sorry!). What I'm trying to say is, I place myself in a situation I do not need to be in. It is like other's see a path with a "Do Not Enter" sign and avoid it. I see the sign, see what's ahead and walk right in there like: "What's are all the signs about... there's NOTHING dangerous!"---Is that better, or are you still lost? Just forget it^_^ these are my thoughts of the week summed into today's entry.
CHEERS!
-T. Love
I woke up in the best mood, why you ask? Nothing specific. I'm just glad to be alive and be able to share my everyday with those I encounter.
Honestly, I think my attitude also ties into the music I listened to this morning. There's something about a song with lyrics that tie into your life. I've been addicted to this song they continuously play on the radio-- Owl City's "Fireflies". The band sounds exactly like Death Cab for Cutie/ Mae, they have similar styles. That could be what drew me in. The song is relaxing. It's the kind of song you don't want to look up to listen to. It has to just play on the radio or be played by someone else for you to enjoy it (well, at least that's how I feel with certain songs). If I look that song up and play it, there's no surprise. This is probably why I have been postponing the whole buying an iPod for my car. (I need to do this soon, but that's before signing up to the gym)----I have a list of things I want to do in my head and the things I NEED to do are written down.
More than anything in life, I want to get my life on track; I'm working on it daily. Praying for strength in all that I do and maintaining a smile each step of the way. I love my life but I want to fall in love with it by working at bettering myself. I know I have the potential to make it in whatever I set my mind to (we all do, JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!). Life is like a relationship, and a relationship like life. Treat it right and you get the best in return. (Even when you give someone your best in a relationship and they don't return the love, just abuse...there's a part of them that feels terrible: WE'RE ALL HUMANS.) Trust me, I saw this in T when we got into our last fight.
Speaking of T, we have not contacted each other at all, and quite frankly, this isn't effecting me much. At first, I felt awkward, but then I realized there's so much out there, and in that batch, there's the person made for me.
I got into a conversation with my best friend and another friend, Simone... The two of them told me they wanted a man. I see what they're saying but, I don't want or need one at this point in my life. I'm too focused. Unless the guy is as focused as I am, please, God, point him in the other direction. Most people want a relationship just to have one. I just want someone willing to walk with me, side by side, even as a friend. Someone who walks in when everyone walks out (like those tear-jerking Hallmark cards). I like being around people who inspire me to be the person I aspire to become. "My weakness is," as stated by Papa Roach, "I care too much." I'll place other's needs before my own (especially when I have more than enough time to do something). I'd drop whatever I'm doing if someone asked me "Can you do such-and-such?" This is somethig I need to work on. I remember one of my close friends, Allie, back in highschool telling me "You know what your problem is you're not selfish!" I didn't get how that was a problem back then, even with the cheating boyfriend at the time. I look at life like an open book, waiting for someone to explore it. Even if the words are unfamiliar, I'd do my best with the context clues and make some sense of them.---maybe I threw you off with that metaphor (so, sorry!). What I'm trying to say is, I place myself in a situation I do not need to be in. It is like other's see a path with a "Do Not Enter" sign and avoid it. I see the sign, see what's ahead and walk right in there like: "What's are all the signs about... there's NOTHING dangerous!"---Is that better, or are you still lost? Just forget it^_^ these are my thoughts of the week summed into today's entry.
CHEERS!
-T. Love
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Separate ways...
This past weekend was tough. Saturday night I went out with the bestfriend and it was pretty chill. I drank a bit and sobered up to take care of her crazyass lol. I contacted J. It was pointless, he told me exactly what he said last time. He wants nothing to do with me, I "hurt him." I didn't hold back and explained to him why i had to leave. I could not wait around until HE decided to change for the person he "loved"--me. Love doesn't need to ask for change, the person should want to change. I do not recall if I stated it in a previous blog (forgive me if I have), but he didn't change his ways until I was set on leaving and never coming back. I love him, not as much as I used to. I just miss him as the person he used to be with me. The way he would baby me, even when I said I hated it... he taught me to appreciate a man buying me things, showed me the real side of New York. Kissed me on the forhead and meant it. To this day, I don't let anyone else do it. It's too personal, and when others do it, it's like giving me a false sense of "I care about you"... unless the guy is worth my time, then maybe.
Okay, so the whole "promise to myself" was broken last Monday with T. After that day, with the whole fight, things were shady (when aren't they wih him). Over the weekend, I put two-and-two together. I figured he was getting to know someone new because he'd been taking random trips to NY (I knew the minute he got his car back he'd change). There it was, the proof I needed, but I put it to the back of my mind. (REPRESSED THE SHIT OUT OF IT!) We were going to meet up Saturday after my drinking session with the crew. When I got to Julie's house, I had three texts from him. One was about me going, asking if I was on my way, the other about him being home already and the last, which pissed the shit out of me, was "Our lil thing is over"... I asked him to clarify it because it made no sense. How did it go from talking about how we're going to meet up to-----it's over. WTF?! And of course, knowing how "well" he communicates I was still left in the dark. He's obviously talking to someone else. His only explanation was, "It's better this way"................
Oh well, enough about T, so then there's MB, this guy I've known for a while now, nothing too serious. We're just friends. He just got out of a relationship. Poor guy, same thing happened, she left for someone else. I really question the value of relationships these days. Honestly, people cheat, walk away, or just play mind games. This is why I wish I lived in the 1950's. Men treated women with respect (of course it does have to do with women not treating themselves with respect too!) However, I just hate seeing relationships go downhill. It hurts; I love a couple who keeps their relationship alive! Come up with different ways to keep the bedroom steamy, talk about anything and everything, please each other just by doing things the two love (even if one isn't a big fan and the other's a fanatic). That's important in a relationship.
Many people forget the value of a kiss, a hug, a touch, of sex! They look at it as just pleasure. YES, it is pleasing, but there's more behind it. A deeper meaning with someone you feel a connection. I've had people tell me they feel a connection to me and honestly, I've only felt it with three people: J, JV, and T. Don't get me wrong, I've had the whole connection with someone that involves being comfortable with someone without really knowing them, but that's it. I have a feeling people just use it as an excuse to get in my pants... doesn't work!
Deep down, what I want is someone willing to get to know me. Accepts me, sees the beauty life has to offer, isn't so insecure that he believes all my male friends are trying to screw me. Somenone random, crazy, passionate, ambitious as I am, and lastly: a good guy with an edgy tone. ^_^ God, he's out there, bring him in one piece (lol).
----Speaking of guys, I forgot to mention this new guy. We'll call him B, since every other guy just has an initial lol. He's sweet, well so far. It was so random, I had just seen him at my job this past weekend. I was driving to school, caught him downtown and from there we spent most of the day together. I found it sweet that he actually came to school with me. We bugged out a lot, it was cute. He showed me some tricks about driving which reminded me of J, :'( All in all it was a great night.
This isn't healthy, I need to stop comparing everyone to him. J's the past, I should look into the future... This week marks a new beginning in the love life. Let's go!
(Sorry about not updating sooner)^_^
-T. Love
Okay, so the whole "promise to myself" was broken last Monday with T. After that day, with the whole fight, things were shady (when aren't they wih him). Over the weekend, I put two-and-two together. I figured he was getting to know someone new because he'd been taking random trips to NY (I knew the minute he got his car back he'd change). There it was, the proof I needed, but I put it to the back of my mind. (REPRESSED THE SHIT OUT OF IT!) We were going to meet up Saturday after my drinking session with the crew. When I got to Julie's house, I had three texts from him. One was about me going, asking if I was on my way, the other about him being home already and the last, which pissed the shit out of me, was "Our lil thing is over"... I asked him to clarify it because it made no sense. How did it go from talking about how we're going to meet up to-----it's over. WTF?! And of course, knowing how "well" he communicates I was still left in the dark. He's obviously talking to someone else. His only explanation was, "It's better this way"................
Oh well, enough about T, so then there's MB, this guy I've known for a while now, nothing too serious. We're just friends. He just got out of a relationship. Poor guy, same thing happened, she left for someone else. I really question the value of relationships these days. Honestly, people cheat, walk away, or just play mind games. This is why I wish I lived in the 1950's. Men treated women with respect (of course it does have to do with women not treating themselves with respect too!) However, I just hate seeing relationships go downhill. It hurts; I love a couple who keeps their relationship alive! Come up with different ways to keep the bedroom steamy, talk about anything and everything, please each other just by doing things the two love (even if one isn't a big fan and the other's a fanatic). That's important in a relationship.
Many people forget the value of a kiss, a hug, a touch, of sex! They look at it as just pleasure. YES, it is pleasing, but there's more behind it. A deeper meaning with someone you feel a connection. I've had people tell me they feel a connection to me and honestly, I've only felt it with three people: J, JV, and T. Don't get me wrong, I've had the whole connection with someone that involves being comfortable with someone without really knowing them, but that's it. I have a feeling people just use it as an excuse to get in my pants... doesn't work!
Deep down, what I want is someone willing to get to know me. Accepts me, sees the beauty life has to offer, isn't so insecure that he believes all my male friends are trying to screw me. Somenone random, crazy, passionate, ambitious as I am, and lastly: a good guy with an edgy tone. ^_^ God, he's out there, bring him in one piece (lol).
----Speaking of guys, I forgot to mention this new guy. We'll call him B, since every other guy just has an initial lol. He's sweet, well so far. It was so random, I had just seen him at my job this past weekend. I was driving to school, caught him downtown and from there we spent most of the day together. I found it sweet that he actually came to school with me. We bugged out a lot, it was cute. He showed me some tricks about driving which reminded me of J, :'( All in all it was a great night.
This isn't healthy, I need to stop comparing everyone to him. J's the past, I should look into the future... This week marks a new beginning in the love life. Let's go!
(Sorry about not updating sooner)^_^
-T. Love
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
This year to save me from tears...
I find myself listening to oldies. (90's-80's)
Lyrics with meaning, something that we don't find these days. I woke up this morning and picked out my outfit. Looking through my drawer, I'm reminded of New Year's 2008... J was next to me. My brothers and I were there with our partners. I miss that night (the J and I together part). He spent the whole night there. I remember him driving me to work the next day.
These past three weeks I've been reminded of J more than anything. I'm still sleeping with J. Jr. I remember J's shirts always smelled so good. (Whenever he'd leave them at my house, I'd wear them to sleep ^_^). I like T's smell too, but it wasn't that serious. J had something that added to it, his ability to be affectionate. T's not very passionate (I want to get that side out of him).
I can't think right now, I'm multi-tasking a little too much right now.. I'll update tomorrow.
-T. Love
Lyrics with meaning, something that we don't find these days. I woke up this morning and picked out my outfit. Looking through my drawer, I'm reminded of New Year's 2008... J was next to me. My brothers and I were there with our partners. I miss that night (the J and I together part). He spent the whole night there. I remember him driving me to work the next day.
These past three weeks I've been reminded of J more than anything. I'm still sleeping with J. Jr. I remember J's shirts always smelled so good. (Whenever he'd leave them at my house, I'd wear them to sleep ^_^). I like T's smell too, but it wasn't that serious. J had something that added to it, his ability to be affectionate. T's not very passionate (I want to get that side out of him).
I can't think right now, I'm multi-tasking a little too much right now.. I'll update tomorrow.
-T. Love
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
"Let's get it in!"
Call me crazy but when things go wrong I tend to keep a smile no matter what. If I feel like crap, seconds later I could be laughing. Like my cousin says whenever I'm upset about something and about to cry: "Here we go, with your two-minute cries." (lol) I can't help it. Maybe tears are an indication of weakness for me. Who knows!
Update on my statuses yesterday: He apologized, and I accepted it. ^_^
Let's discuss what happened first. Saturday night, after work, I texted T. I wanted to see him, even for two seconds (like I stated in a previous post, his kiss is irresistible). He tells me he's drinking and I said forget it. We made plans to see each other the following day. They did not work out because he decides to head over to NY. I was upset and the following day (Monday, yesterday) he took off. The minute he woke up he texted me asking if I was in school. (Luckily it was Monday and I have a huge gap between classes--12:15-5:30 ^_^) I told him I'd see him then.
I know what we have between us, actually we both know. It isn't deep, it's superficial (like Steph said). It stays at the surface because he's an image of J, the person I fell in love with under that moonlit sky, July 3rd, 2007. <3
All right, back to the story. I saw him, gave him his surprise and that was that... after everything, we got into a discussion how he doesn't like expressing himself. (That's what really bugs me!) I wish he was open, I want to get him to open up to others (not me, I know how he feels about me). Whatever it was that happened with the three year girl has made him shut off his emotions. I understand why he would want to keep it private, but he'll never be able to love again if he holds onto it. The past is the past (GEE, SHOULDN'T I TAKE MY OWN ADVICE!)
I feel that we could help each other forget. I hope that one day, when we go our seperate ways, he could open his heart to someone. Be able to love someone fully.
I was so upset the last few days that I took it out on him yesterday. I've been missing J so much the last two weeks that having "closed-off" T be somewhat a replacement hasn't been a success. I got J to open his heart to me when we were dating, that's the thing... I walked away from T before I got the chance to help him open up. Now as the whatever you want to call this, he could careless what I tell him.
Honestly, I don't remember my exact words to him but I do remember asking him to tell me how he felt about me, (not whether or not he liked me, but if he even cared about me). He couldn't answer that, he said he doesn't work well with expressing himself. It was funny because when I was getting my things to go, he just laid on his bed doing whatever with his phone. The TV was playing an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where the husband was afraid to tell the wife how he felt about her. He could only say it in front of the kids... I thought that was such a coincidence, but whatever, I didn't mention anything because I know he'd act like nothing.
At the door, he actually looked me in the eye, he couldn't say anything. He was not in the mood to argue, I saw it in his face. I wanted to cry because if it was J, he would stop me, hold me and say "Babe, I love you" or "Babe, you're being crazy, you know how I feel about you!" That's what I miss, someone who is afraid to see me leave. I asked T before I walked out "You would be fine with me walking out and never seeing me again?" He said "Yea" but his face seemed to say something else. I don't know, I wish he was just honest. His words are always this and that, never this OR that.
Last night I apologized for the whole thing. I started it, I know he was tired from work. He then apologized for being a prick. <3 That made me smile. I know we don't have the typical, ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend friendship, but we have an understanding that there was something, there IS something that keeps us there. (Not on some, "meant to be" thing, no...never!) It's just an understanding that we need each other to get passed this period in our lives.
Most people think I'm stupid for being there for him despite the times he's messed up. I cannot lie, it's what keeps me interested. It's not that I'm interested in just the physical, I care about him also. I want to see him become the person I know he's capable of being.
(EXPLORE, EMBRACE & ENJOY!)
-T. Love
Update on my statuses yesterday: He apologized, and I accepted it. ^_^
Let's discuss what happened first. Saturday night, after work, I texted T. I wanted to see him, even for two seconds (like I stated in a previous post, his kiss is irresistible). He tells me he's drinking and I said forget it. We made plans to see each other the following day. They did not work out because he decides to head over to NY. I was upset and the following day (Monday, yesterday) he took off. The minute he woke up he texted me asking if I was in school. (Luckily it was Monday and I have a huge gap between classes--12:15-5:30 ^_^) I told him I'd see him then.
I know what we have between us, actually we both know. It isn't deep, it's superficial (like Steph said). It stays at the surface because he's an image of J, the person I fell in love with under that moonlit sky, July 3rd, 2007. <3
All right, back to the story. I saw him, gave him his surprise and that was that... after everything, we got into a discussion how he doesn't like expressing himself. (That's what really bugs me!) I wish he was open, I want to get him to open up to others (not me, I know how he feels about me). Whatever it was that happened with the three year girl has made him shut off his emotions. I understand why he would want to keep it private, but he'll never be able to love again if he holds onto it. The past is the past (GEE, SHOULDN'T I TAKE MY OWN ADVICE!)
I feel that we could help each other forget. I hope that one day, when we go our seperate ways, he could open his heart to someone. Be able to love someone fully.
I was so upset the last few days that I took it out on him yesterday. I've been missing J so much the last two weeks that having "closed-off" T be somewhat a replacement hasn't been a success. I got J to open his heart to me when we were dating, that's the thing... I walked away from T before I got the chance to help him open up. Now as the whatever you want to call this, he could careless what I tell him.
Honestly, I don't remember my exact words to him but I do remember asking him to tell me how he felt about me, (not whether or not he liked me, but if he even cared about me). He couldn't answer that, he said he doesn't work well with expressing himself. It was funny because when I was getting my things to go, he just laid on his bed doing whatever with his phone. The TV was playing an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where the husband was afraid to tell the wife how he felt about her. He could only say it in front of the kids... I thought that was such a coincidence, but whatever, I didn't mention anything because I know he'd act like nothing.
At the door, he actually looked me in the eye, he couldn't say anything. He was not in the mood to argue, I saw it in his face. I wanted to cry because if it was J, he would stop me, hold me and say "Babe, I love you" or "Babe, you're being crazy, you know how I feel about you!" That's what I miss, someone who is afraid to see me leave. I asked T before I walked out "You would be fine with me walking out and never seeing me again?" He said "Yea" but his face seemed to say something else. I don't know, I wish he was just honest. His words are always this and that, never this OR that.
Last night I apologized for the whole thing. I started it, I know he was tired from work. He then apologized for being a prick. <3 That made me smile. I know we don't have the typical, ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend friendship, but we have an understanding that there was something, there IS something that keeps us there. (Not on some, "meant to be" thing, no...never!) It's just an understanding that we need each other to get passed this period in our lives.
Most people think I'm stupid for being there for him despite the times he's messed up. I cannot lie, it's what keeps me interested. It's not that I'm interested in just the physical, I care about him also. I want to see him become the person I know he's capable of being.
(EXPLORE, EMBRACE & ENJOY!)
-T. Love
Monday, November 9, 2009
I saw the sign..
Part of me wants to walk away, but he has me on a string. A string that he let's go and whenever you wants, pulls me back in. The string is obsession. Steph narrowed it down for me. How I feel about J is being projected onto T, which makes an obsession. I wish I could forget how I feel whenever he's close to me. Az Yet had it right, "The scent of you it calms the heart,The sight of you I fall apart."
I just can't find the words to describe how I feel. Just listening to Brian McKnight's "One Last Cry"... enough said.
-T. Love
I just can't find the words to describe how I feel. Just listening to Brian McKnight's "One Last Cry"... enough said.
-T. Love
Saturday, November 7, 2009
We walk away not because we're weak...
I know I have been MIA for the past two days. So sorry! I've been busy with school and work (remember, I worked once last weekend and now I'm working all weekend). Other than working all weekend, I am starting projects for this month with the intention to finish most of it before their due dates (hence, the math one due Sunday night)---already done ^_^.
I have to be honest, the last few days I've been a mess. Ever since that night I feel asleep with my J Jr. I've been missing him. I won't lie, there is not a day that goes by and he is not on my mind. Everything reminds me of him, why? I wish I knew. Every couple that walks into my job I recall the times we went out to eat. I'm happier now than when I was with him, because now I get to smile at simplicity and live my life as I always wanted (and of course, studying PR rather than nursing). I truly miss him as a friend. He knew me like no other, and the inside jokes, forget it! They are memorable. I know he misses me just as much but is too stubborn to accept the fact that it's done. I told him I wanted a friendship, he chooses not to, and I respect his wishes.
I remember the last time we saw each other, he was giving me everything I gave him and I was returning his chain and the ring (tear). The look on his face was priceless, I was hurt seeing him that way. I could tell he hadn't slept well the last few nights. There I was, at the door, about to hold him the minute I opened the door.... (I was weak whenever I saw him, heck, I cried when he would have to leave so imagine at this point). My dad came to the door behind me, which made me snap out of it and just take it for what it was. A goodbye that was certain this time, not like the April break up where I ran back within 3-days. No, this one said, "Tima, it's over...for good." After having him sign off on something, I shut the door and walked away. I looked out the window and saw him sitting in the car, crying. I cried too, but I had to let go. Love is about realizing where you are and whether it coincides with where you want to be. I love him to this day, and know I always will have that special cariño for him.
Okay enough emo stuff, let's talk about current affairs (can I really call it that, because it's definitely nothing close to it... how about: current situation, that's better ^_^)
So, LC continues to hit me up, not interested, but I did offer a friendship.
As for T, well let's just say he's just an option when I'm desperate. Honestly, I cannot keep going back to him. Like I stated in past blogs, he's a lot like J; I don't need to be reminded of him. (But the kiss is irresistible) ^_^
Hmm, let's see, oh yes, JD. He's also in the friend zone. I can't help it. I rather keep them as friends than anything else. I really don't need a "friend with benefits", not now. I've decided, (well I decided this last year but never stuck to it) that I am going to remain abstinent. It's been a week, two weeks Tuesday. I am looking forward to keep it this time. I'm 20, I'm not looking to have a kid anytime soon, so WHY have sex? Yes, it feels great (with the right person)! And like Freud says, complete, uninterrupted sex is healthy. However, with the way things have been, I don't want to be a 20-year-old mother (yes, when I was 13 I said I wanted kids by 18...but that was then, it's been 2yrs since my 18th). Society has been more accepting of young mothers, I just won't want to have to put my education aside. Plus, I have 2 semesters to go. I'm not putting that aside because I was careless.
NOTE: I LOVE CHILDREN, truly do, just not ready for one at this moment....
Until next time...
-T. Love
I have to be honest, the last few days I've been a mess. Ever since that night I feel asleep with my J Jr. I've been missing him. I won't lie, there is not a day that goes by and he is not on my mind. Everything reminds me of him, why? I wish I knew. Every couple that walks into my job I recall the times we went out to eat. I'm happier now than when I was with him, because now I get to smile at simplicity and live my life as I always wanted (and of course, studying PR rather than nursing). I truly miss him as a friend. He knew me like no other, and the inside jokes, forget it! They are memorable. I know he misses me just as much but is too stubborn to accept the fact that it's done. I told him I wanted a friendship, he chooses not to, and I respect his wishes.
I remember the last time we saw each other, he was giving me everything I gave him and I was returning his chain and the ring (tear). The look on his face was priceless, I was hurt seeing him that way. I could tell he hadn't slept well the last few nights. There I was, at the door, about to hold him the minute I opened the door.... (I was weak whenever I saw him, heck, I cried when he would have to leave so imagine at this point). My dad came to the door behind me, which made me snap out of it and just take it for what it was. A goodbye that was certain this time, not like the April break up where I ran back within 3-days. No, this one said, "Tima, it's over...for good." After having him sign off on something, I shut the door and walked away. I looked out the window and saw him sitting in the car, crying. I cried too, but I had to let go. Love is about realizing where you are and whether it coincides with where you want to be. I love him to this day, and know I always will have that special cariño for him.
Okay enough emo stuff, let's talk about current affairs (can I really call it that, because it's definitely nothing close to it... how about: current situation, that's better ^_^)
So, LC continues to hit me up, not interested, but I did offer a friendship.
As for T, well let's just say he's just an option when I'm desperate. Honestly, I cannot keep going back to him. Like I stated in past blogs, he's a lot like J; I don't need to be reminded of him. (But the kiss is irresistible) ^_^
Hmm, let's see, oh yes, JD. He's also in the friend zone. I can't help it. I rather keep them as friends than anything else. I really don't need a "friend with benefits", not now. I've decided, (well I decided this last year but never stuck to it) that I am going to remain abstinent. It's been a week, two weeks Tuesday. I am looking forward to keep it this time. I'm 20, I'm not looking to have a kid anytime soon, so WHY have sex? Yes, it feels great (with the right person)! And like Freud says, complete, uninterrupted sex is healthy. However, with the way things have been, I don't want to be a 20-year-old mother (yes, when I was 13 I said I wanted kids by 18...but that was then, it's been 2yrs since my 18th). Society has been more accepting of young mothers, I just won't want to have to put my education aside. Plus, I have 2 semesters to go. I'm not putting that aside because I was careless.
NOTE: I LOVE CHILDREN, truly do, just not ready for one at this moment....
Until next time...
-T. Love
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Shall we?
Let's......kiss in public and ignore the stares.
...laugh at awkward situations.
...hug each other with no intention of letting go.
...spend all night in each other's arms
...spend all morning in bed.
...run away together.
...buy the next ticket to Europe.
...roam the streets like maniacs.
...make fun of each other.
...discuss random topics.
...break rules, but not our hearts.
...create a life (or two).
...grow old together.
...fall in love. ^_^
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
True love NEVER dies
"It starts with kissing ears"
They say girls are whores if we sleep around. Men, on the other hand, can sleep with the entire world and he's "the man." I agree with what Jesse believes, People should do whatever they feel like doing. I won't slut myself out, but I'll enjoy myself. Date here and there (of course when i have the time to do so) and just enjoy myself. Como la cancion de Wisin y Yandel, "Si el momento se dio, aprovechalo, disfrutalo y apaga el fuego."
I give people too many chances, not anymore. I'm tired of giving chances, because when I mess up, there's no "I forgive you." I should put myself on the pedestal, not any guy. I should be selfish, place MY needs before everyone else's.....
...but then what? I'll be closed off, people will turn away from me. How about I just forcus on myself like Felix used to tell me (I miss him so much!). Focus on my career, where I'm headed. Guys come and go, but the person I become will ALWAYS be there. I won't lie, I'm an addict of touch. I love hugging, being hugged, cuddling and kissing. (They mean way more than sex to me, honestly!) You can find ass anywhere, but the connection you feel with one person you may or may not ever find it again. (Trust me, I know!) Nonetheless, there's one person who has had my heart for the longest (the one I mentioned previously). I have a feeling he'll always be in my life (after 4 yrs., it's a given).
I wish there was a way to tell if someone was your soulmate, like something would just light up or their eyes would change. Of course that only happens in cartoons, where the heart jumps out. Then again, there is something... that look they give you whenever they see you walk into the room. Not to bring up the past, but it would happen all the time whenever J walked into a room. My eyes were always drawn to him. I recall this one time at work (NJ), it was 11p.m. He had been driving home (NY) from Massachuseutts and I had been having a bad night. He had texted me saying he was headed home earlier (we always kept in touch throughout the day ^_^...yea it would get a bit sickening). Some guys were trying to be funny, I remember giving them an attitude and everything. Not lie, about 5-10 minutes later, J walks in and I have the biggest smile and he said, "I just wanted to stop by and say 'Hi'". He was tired and drove back home. I received a text from him once he got home that said "It's so hard to walk away from you. Babe, you really are beautiful" (I remember all this because it was one of my favorite, romace-movie type scene). What J and I had was deep, but I could not stick around because he was too insecure. His insecurity made me insecure. Who knows, maybe years from now, when we both mature, we'll find ourselves and the love will still be as fresh as 7.17.07... sigh* I miss that. We'd look at the clock and say Happy 7:17 and all that lubby-dubby stuff. I remember getting weak whenever our lips met. I do remember the fights (I always thought it was over...but we'd apologize). We had it planned; marriage in two years, kids by 2017 and living the life we both wanted. Truth is, I did not want the life he wanted to live. I was happy, but the career he chose for me, nursing, was not me. That's what really made me turn cold (besides the whole drunk scene in NYC...that was hell) I remember the good, the bad...the ugly times. I remember so much, sometimes I wish I could forget. What would forgetting do, though? Will I be able to one day just forget that I was in love? That we promised to spend forever together? It used to bring me to tears, but now, it just makes me think. Part of me has hopes to one day (at least) be good friends. The other half believes its over for good. More than anything, I want a friendship. I miss saying something so random and him understanding. I miss our sense of humor. I miss how whenever he'd have to go back home, I would tear up. It was so painful seeing him leave knowing that we had a wonderful day and it was over until the next. (See, I'm a hopeless romantic..lmao) The last two nights, I've slept with J. Jr. (it's the big bear he gave me...I just needed something to hold on to) It reminded me of when he gave me the bear (along with other stuffed animals). We were going to eat and he called me saying "I hope you don't mind, I brought my friends" I responded with "No, babe, I don't mind." Little did I know that once I opened the passager door there would be 9 stuffed-animals. I had the biggest smile. (Little things like that I miss, how easily he made me laugh/smile/giggle... anything). No one has ever been as sweet to me as he was. I pray for him and wish him well, always. Last thing I heard he got a job, is going back to school and doesn't have a financed car (THANK GOD!) and has paid for it. I'm proud of him and will always love him as the wonderful person he is.
-T. Love
They say girls are whores if we sleep around. Men, on the other hand, can sleep with the entire world and he's "the man." I agree with what Jesse believes, People should do whatever they feel like doing. I won't slut myself out, but I'll enjoy myself. Date here and there (of course when i have the time to do so) and just enjoy myself. Como la cancion de Wisin y Yandel, "Si el momento se dio, aprovechalo, disfrutalo y apaga el fuego."
I give people too many chances, not anymore. I'm tired of giving chances, because when I mess up, there's no "I forgive you." I should put myself on the pedestal, not any guy. I should be selfish, place MY needs before everyone else's.....
...but then what? I'll be closed off, people will turn away from me. How about I just forcus on myself like Felix used to tell me (I miss him so much!). Focus on my career, where I'm headed. Guys come and go, but the person I become will ALWAYS be there. I won't lie, I'm an addict of touch. I love hugging, being hugged, cuddling and kissing. (They mean way more than sex to me, honestly!) You can find ass anywhere, but the connection you feel with one person you may or may not ever find it again. (Trust me, I know!) Nonetheless, there's one person who has had my heart for the longest (the one I mentioned previously). I have a feeling he'll always be in my life (after 4 yrs., it's a given).
I wish there was a way to tell if someone was your soulmate, like something would just light up or their eyes would change. Of course that only happens in cartoons, where the heart jumps out. Then again, there is something... that look they give you whenever they see you walk into the room. Not to bring up the past, but it would happen all the time whenever J walked into a room. My eyes were always drawn to him. I recall this one time at work (NJ), it was 11p.m. He had been driving home (NY) from Massachuseutts and I had been having a bad night. He had texted me saying he was headed home earlier (we always kept in touch throughout the day ^_^...yea it would get a bit sickening). Some guys were trying to be funny, I remember giving them an attitude and everything. Not lie, about 5-10 minutes later, J walks in and I have the biggest smile and he said, "I just wanted to stop by and say 'Hi'". He was tired and drove back home. I received a text from him once he got home that said "It's so hard to walk away from you. Babe, you really are beautiful" (I remember all this because it was one of my favorite, romace-movie type scene). What J and I had was deep, but I could not stick around because he was too insecure. His insecurity made me insecure. Who knows, maybe years from now, when we both mature, we'll find ourselves and the love will still be as fresh as 7.17.07... sigh* I miss that. We'd look at the clock and say Happy 7:17 and all that lubby-dubby stuff. I remember getting weak whenever our lips met. I do remember the fights (I always thought it was over...but we'd apologize). We had it planned; marriage in two years, kids by 2017 and living the life we both wanted. Truth is, I did not want the life he wanted to live. I was happy, but the career he chose for me, nursing, was not me. That's what really made me turn cold (besides the whole drunk scene in NYC...that was hell) I remember the good, the bad...the ugly times. I remember so much, sometimes I wish I could forget. What would forgetting do, though? Will I be able to one day just forget that I was in love? That we promised to spend forever together? It used to bring me to tears, but now, it just makes me think. Part of me has hopes to one day (at least) be good friends. The other half believes its over for good. More than anything, I want a friendship. I miss saying something so random and him understanding. I miss our sense of humor. I miss how whenever he'd have to go back home, I would tear up. It was so painful seeing him leave knowing that we had a wonderful day and it was over until the next. (See, I'm a hopeless romantic..lmao) The last two nights, I've slept with J. Jr. (it's the big bear he gave me...I just needed something to hold on to) It reminded me of when he gave me the bear (along with other stuffed animals). We were going to eat and he called me saying "I hope you don't mind, I brought my friends" I responded with "No, babe, I don't mind." Little did I know that once I opened the passager door there would be 9 stuffed-animals. I had the biggest smile. (Little things like that I miss, how easily he made me laugh/smile/giggle... anything). No one has ever been as sweet to me as he was. I pray for him and wish him well, always. Last thing I heard he got a job, is going back to school and doesn't have a financed car (THANK GOD!) and has paid for it. I'm proud of him and will always love him as the wonderful person he is.
-T. Love
Expect the unexpected
I woke up this morning thinking of all the things I have to do this month. This coming Monday, I have a math project due. It is also the same day I have my presentation for comm. theory (no biggie). By December 8th, I have to work on my media ethics and law research paper, and I have an interview to do for media writing. I'm not complaining, actually, I love that I have these on my plate. They are quite interesting topics. For my interview, I hope to sit with my psych professor, Silverstein.^_^ He knows his stuff and him being a Freud scholar will make the interview worth it.
For my media ethics paper, I was originally thinking about working on why media ethics is important as a college course. Now I'm leaning towards writing about publication and the ethics behind it (first I'll research a bit and see where it can go, after all it's a 5-page paper, not double-spaced--well she said you can but it's not APA style, that would be MLA). As a challenge to myself, I'll do it single-spaced.^_^
Aside from the workload, I have to go to the advisement office to take care of my "double major" thing. Speaking of classes, after next semester (Spring '10), I will have to take two summer classes, Fall semester classes (4-5, not too sure) and I'm done! ^_^ I'm excited about this. To think, I swore I was not going to graduate on time and here I am, graduating a semester early. I love life....
(off to class.)
-T. Love
For my media ethics paper, I was originally thinking about working on why media ethics is important as a college course. Now I'm leaning towards writing about publication and the ethics behind it (first I'll research a bit and see where it can go, after all it's a 5-page paper, not double-spaced--well she said you can but it's not APA style, that would be MLA). As a challenge to myself, I'll do it single-spaced.^_^
Aside from the workload, I have to go to the advisement office to take care of my "double major" thing. Speaking of classes, after next semester (Spring '10), I will have to take two summer classes, Fall semester classes (4-5, not too sure) and I'm done! ^_^ I'm excited about this. To think, I swore I was not going to graduate on time and here I am, graduating a semester early. I love life....
(off to class.)
-T. Love
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
What can I say, it's a gift!
I'd be lying if I said I was like any other person you know. I've been told many time before "There's something special about you" by either people I know or as a first impression (women and men alike). Strangely enough, I did not believe it up until I started noticing the characteristics that make me special. This might sound crazy but I can sense things before the happen. I swear, I always joke saying I should just play the lotto. ^_^
It's deeper than a feeling, it's the signs I see around me. For instance, I'll constantly see a name, or hear a phrase/ word and out it'll come on the news or from someone else's mouth. By the time the news/person states it, it's crucial. Could just be because I'm so intuned with my senses (which is why people always ask what drug am I on).
I have a theory on life and everyday I am reminded of how accurate it is. It is that God places comic relief in our everyday lives. I've noticed this when I'm having a bad day. Something comes up that makes me smile, whether it's something a person says or a person does. I find humor in the simplicity. For example, I remember being in Barnes and Noble (the best place in the WHOLE world, well one of them) one afternoon and this kid strolls by, jumping in excitement, the New Age aisle right passed me and says "When are we going to the bookstore" and the lady he was with says, "We are in the bookstore." He smiles, "Oh yea!" I could not help but smirk at his words. I thought it was cute but at the same time I began to think how even I forget I'm in a bookstore. I loose myself in whatever has caught my interest, that's why I love B&N. It's my escape from reality; a whole new world ^_^
(I'll continue this after class; off to media ethics and law with the great Tina Lesher).
-T. Love
It's deeper than a feeling, it's the signs I see around me. For instance, I'll constantly see a name, or hear a phrase/ word and out it'll come on the news or from someone else's mouth. By the time the news/person states it, it's crucial. Could just be because I'm so intuned with my senses (which is why people always ask what drug am I on).
I have a theory on life and everyday I am reminded of how accurate it is. It is that God places comic relief in our everyday lives. I've noticed this when I'm having a bad day. Something comes up that makes me smile, whether it's something a person says or a person does. I find humor in the simplicity. For example, I remember being in Barnes and Noble (the best place in the WHOLE world, well one of them) one afternoon and this kid strolls by, jumping in excitement, the New Age aisle right passed me and says "When are we going to the bookstore" and the lady he was with says, "We are in the bookstore." He smiles, "Oh yea!" I could not help but smirk at his words. I thought it was cute but at the same time I began to think how even I forget I'm in a bookstore. I loose myself in whatever has caught my interest, that's why I love B&N. It's my escape from reality; a whole new world ^_^
(I'll continue this after class; off to media ethics and law with the great Tina Lesher).
-T. Love
Monday, November 2, 2009
Second post of the day...
I forgot to mention in the last entry about my Saturday. ^_^ I did go to see Doble T y El Crok at Milenio's. It was fun, but I have noticed that I'm not the crazy me anymore. I remember, before I had my car, taking my parent's car and driving in the middle of the night to hang out, there was always something to do. Now, with a car, I've become a grandma. It could just be my schedule (...school and work...) That is what my life has become. All I do is go to school during the week and work all weekend. Sundays are usually my rest days, but there are times when I pick up a shift just to have extra cash.
As for love life, that's been put to rest for a bit. Yes, I'm still into T. We see each other from time to time but that's it. Truth is, like I stated in my first blog, I'm into him because I'm not over J. Guys I met after J text me from time to time, but let's be honest, they're not him...hence why I lose interest quickly. For instance, last night LC text me asking why we have not hung out, saying stupid things like "I miss you." Call me cold, but I could not lie to him saying I felt the same. There's something about a guy who says pure bs that just irks me. I'm good at reading people; I analyze their words and look into their actions. It can be a burden and yet a gift. For instance, I brought up my last convo with LC and why I stopped talking to him. Trust me, when I say LC got what he deserved. My cousin said, "He must be feeling like crap", who wouldn't? I must confess, I love my new attitude, the real me needed to come out. Call me a bitch, but my honesty is what defines me. Have something to ask me? Ask away! I will always be straight with you. No sugar-coating. Which brings me to another aspect of my life, people who believe in "he-said, she-said." I'm the last to talk about someone, call me selfish, but my life is too amazing to be concerned with anyone else's. If you heard, "Tima said such-and-such" and it's something I never told you personally, believe it was never said.
Back to relationships/dating: I've noticed that many aren't looking for anything serious. It's quite frustrating. Not saying I want to hop into anything serious within the next months. (I'd be lying if I said that) I just want someone who is willing to get to know me for who I am, and accepts me just the way I am. Someone like J, less jealous, more laid-back... someone who does anything to make me smile as I do for them. Spontaneous, a great listener, not afraid to express how he feels. Non-smoker, social drinker (or not a drinker). The guy you bring home to mom and dad, they're well-rounded and can discuss any topic. I want to get to know someone worth my time, someone who appreciates the simple things in life as much as I do. If I talk about random things, he'd understand it and make sense of it through his own perspective. (I am a deep thinker..trust me!)
I've had potential guys, but they don't know how to keep a conversation. Not for nothing but if you can seduce my mind, then you can easily have all of me. Can't get through that part, might as well give up. (Of course, humor MUST be involved, as well as a positive attitude) ^_^ I know, I'm complicated but I expect the best because I know I am worth it. I've met someone who fits these criterias years back, however, with every day that passes I am convinced that we're best as friends and nothing more.
Food for thought brought to you by Incubus ^_^:
"If I hadn't made me, I would've been made somehow..If I hadn't assembled myself, Id've fallen apart by now.If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow.Powers that be, Would have swallowed me upBut that's more than I can allow."- Make Yourself
::Enough said::-T. Love
"I'm sorry" doesn't bring them back to life...
Sorry, I've been missing in action all weekend ^_^ I only worked Thursday night. I swear I'm going to be broke this week. Oh well. I needed this weekend more than a fish out of water. After all, it was Halloween. You did not really expect me to work yet another Halloween night. (I did it last year and honestly, it was not worth it)
Friday's plans were met by family issues (my parents did not like the area where the party was, hence why I did not go). Honestly, I did not complain (much) about this. I spent the night with my cousin Steph. Bugged out with the family, at least my dad had a great bday ^_^ (and that was the important part).
I loved the face my dad made when he read the card. It was priceless. Growing up, he had been there for me through it all. This might be odd, but I can tell my dad about a guy in my life with ease and my mom... well, let's just continue about my father, shall we? The problem is, with my mom, whenever I mention anything it becomes "Oh yea, I know what you mean...(and changes subject)." The worst part is mentioning that person's name again on a later date and she suddenly has amnesia. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother, I just wish I had that mother-daughter relationship most of my friends have with their mothers.
This weekend, yesterday to be exact, I saw a man I met when working for my brother over the summer. He had walked in around August with his mother looking for business cards. She did not seem sure what she wanted on the card. I remember filling out the work order, 2,500 BCs for $150, one-sided (it was one of the summer specials). That was her final decision, her son, Rolando, convinced her to do business with us. She wanted the cards by a certain time. I told her It takes 3-4 business days. I said sometimes they come in exactly 3, but I cannot guarantee it. She seemed worried about something... like whatever it was had her pacing her every move. When she stepped out to get something in the car, Rolando told me "I'm sorry about my mother, she was just hit with cancer that's why she's rushing things" (those were'nt his exact words, but somewhere along those lines). I felt bad, like I wanted to do something, but I couldn't. I helped them with the work order, they said they'd email me a picture. And off they went... after that summer afternoon, I ran into him in the street that weekend. I was walking with A.V. (a guy I was somewhat interested in...long story, rather not mention). It was down Market St. in Paterson. At the time, I did not recognize Rolando (I was deep in conversation about whatever was the topic). He shouted, "Thanks for the business cards." Me, being the air-head I am at times, I asked A.V, "Was he talking to you?" Then I turned around and looked at him, and I put two-and-two together. ME, DUH!...
Yesterday I walked into a church in Paterson, noticed Rolando and I smiled. He was sitting there with his kids; A little girl, and a boy. The way he spoke to his daughter reminded me of my father and I as a child. I told my cousin Steph about how I know him and how his mother's sick.
After mass, he noticed me, and I asked "How are the business cards?" He said he had more than enough and said thank you once again. He told me his mom passed away this past Friday. I felt terrible, and said I was sorry and gave him the tighest hug ever. I said how healthy she looked when she was diagnosed with the illness. He agreed and showed me a video of her in the hospital. We spoke and he offered me a card. He told me how if I ever need anything designed: sneakers, a T-shirt or picture frame, he'd hook it up for me. I said "Definitely because my mother always needs a frame of some sort." Before we said our goodbyes, he said that it had not sunk in yet because his family has been celebrating her life rather than mourning their loss.
When I told my dad the story, I could not fight the tears. To think, I did not know this man, or his family, their past or anything... yet he confided in me to discuss his mother's illness and now, her death. I cannot help but wonder how amazing life is because of this. People reach out to others in times of need and even love one another. We know death is a part of life, that it can strike at any minute, and here we are, loving/ caring for each other. I think that is beautiful.
Like I had on my status yesterday:
"We know life isn't permanent, that those we know can leave us any second, yet we reach out and love them. That is the miracle of life. Compassion and empathy are what make us who we are. Love not those who ask to be loved; love those that need it."
Despite the obstacles one may face in their lifetime, we can never deny the love we have felt. As in the words of the late Maurice Schwartz, "Death ends a life, not a relationship."
-T. Love
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Another day in my life...
There I was, awaiting my next class. Did the language lab thing, even listened to Portuguese discs and Italian ones. I went to my car to switch books. When I finally log onto a computer in the Atrium, I check my Gmail and there it was... my class was canceled (I Googled "canceled" always thought it was "cancelled"---that's the British spelling ^_^) . I updated my Facebook status (when don't I!) and now here I am, updating this blog.
I used to have an Xanga and a Livejournal growing up, but deleted them (past relationship reasons). Part of me missed writing about my daily adventures/thoughts. I get to rant about anything and everything ^_^ yay, for this eBlog thing.
Alright, so here we go, a new thought for the day. The past two nights I've had the opportunity to catch Premonition, of course when it's halfway done. I've seen it before and it still makes me cry (what movie doesn't?). From watching this movie, and P.S. I Love You, I think about the future. I wonder what it will be like. I know, I know, I'm a hopeless romantic and look into movies a little more than the average person. Honestly, how does one recover from the death of the one they love? Think about it, you spend years trying to find the person who "completes" you. Once you do, something tragic occurs and you're left alone. I love couples who spend whatever time they can together and always keep things alive (bedroom or not). It makes me smile. I love my parents but I wish they would spend more time together. I mean SPEND TIME TOGETHER. (Caps on that because all they do is run errands or visit friend's home). I've approached them about this. My dad agrees, my mom, on the other hand, considers their routine "spending enough time together."
I'm a strong believer in fate, but I also believe every relationship has the potential to marriage. The issue is when people give 50% and expect the other half back. Why? I don't give my partner 50, for what? I want their full potential, they better be giving me theirs. ^_^ Then again, speaking from my past experiences, I may expect 100% and give it, but I tend to settle for less. That is an issue. Never settle for less, take it from someone who KNOWS the end result. Like Jason Evert says, "What is your love worth?" Is it three months? Four? Five? You decide! Love is beautiful, but we mistreat it in so many ways without realizing it.
In giving someone your love, you have to be cautious. It does take time, however, it can be instaneous. Those words, "I just knew", do exist (I think I stated it in the first blog). You have to stop and think sometimes because in all honesty, it might not be your heart talking (men AND LADIES). Pace it! Even if the end is not what you expected, you can walk away saying, "At least I tried." I'll leave you with these thoughts.
Until next time...
-T. Love
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Goodmorning, loves.
I woke up "on the wrong side of the bed" as many like to say. That changed after turning on the radio and hearing the beautiful words of Lauryn Hill's "Ex-Factor". From these lyrics, I was able to understand why I felt that way.
This part in the song moved me:
"I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will"
I must admit, I have fallen for the same person all over again. This time, he is in the form of someone new. It is not J, no, he's been out of the picture since January '09. However, I met someone, T, who is a lot like him. You know when you kiss someone and your entire body feels it? Well, it's the same sensation I received from J and T (hence, why I feel weak with T). Those sappy love stories that say "I just knew it when we kissed" yadda yadda... Yea, that my friends, is what I thought with the two.
It scares me how the two are similiar physically, but not emotionally. J did not have trouble expressing himself, while T has an issue with saying how he feels (unless he's drunk--another similarity is the two drink excessively). I guess my mom was right, you never know someone fully. When it comes to relationships, you swear on everything that person is your soulmate. I won't knock anyone down because that's how it is supposed to feel. You should always see, or in my case attempt to see, a future with the other person.--> this right here is WHY I do not want a relationship at the moment. I cannot see myself with anyone right now. I have too much going on to drag someone along, or even have them drag me along. My time is limited, nonetheless, a good cuddle here and there is quite useful throughout the week (that's where T comes in).
Those that know the story about us would definitely say: "Tima, you're better than that." Believe me, I know I am! Truth is, we all need love, even in it's false sense (lust) here and there. Deep down inside, I think I'm just covering old scars with make-up. Hoping that no one will see past the thick layers. Don't get me wrong, I love myself, truly do. The question here is not whether I love myself, but do I respect myself? Do I accept the person I have become? My answer is in "Yes" and "No" to the two of them.
As a teenager, I remember idolizing Marilyn Monroe (10-present). I was not drawn to her because of her acting. It was focused on how living life. Enjoying every minute of it and never caring what others had to say. Yes, she was insecure, but that's what she kept to herself. (Can't be mad at that. Women were looked at differently back then). Plain and simple, her love for life captured me.
Not many people value life for what it has to offer. I think that is where people fail. Fail in the sense that they are capable of so much more but settle for less. This ties back into my dating habits. I've had Mr. Right standing infront of me, what did I do? I did what most girls do in this situation... I was too busy caught up on Mr. Right Now and passed up the opportunity. Funny enough, I don't regret this (Never regret; things happen for a reason). I'll admit, I'm a stubborn individual. If I hear "walk away", I walk towards it. Experiences are what build personality, therefore, I can say I made me. How many people could actually say that? Tell you one thing, NOT A LOT!
People hold back when they should just go for it. Have an opportunity? Take it! It'll change your life. Don't wait around for the light to turn green (unless at streetlight hehe ^_^). Look at life as a race; when you get to a checkpoint, mark that time and make the next laps worth finishing!
-T. Love
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